Day#130: Hectic Week and Goodbyes

Hey again, Yes it's been two weeks. Seems to be a trend lately... I honestly have been putting off writing because I've been feeling very much like a failure. Over the past couple weeks i've made very little progress on my weight loss. I'm feeling discouraged with my progress and feeling ashamed with myself for every slip-up and mistake.

This thing isn't easy. Far from it. I'm not good 100% or even 50% of the time. But I can only try and be better. I just have to stay motivated. Since my last post though I've found very little that I wanted to share, it's the kind of thing... you want to only share the good stuff the progress - the monumental weight loss... it feels good to get support when you have something good to share. Not so much when you don't.

Two weeks ago Kendra gave her 2 weeks notice. She's been feeling under appreciated by management and under paid for the degree she has. With the commute and the politics, Kendra has decided to leave. I'm happy for her moving on from a situation that wasn't good for her; but man am I selfishly bummed. Totally and irrevocably miserably depressed with the situation that it poses for me.  The key word being selfish. I know that i'm being selfish... but lets be honest this whole weight loss journey has been a selfish one; and that's got to be fine... It had to be my choice it had to be something I decided to do for myself so it stands to reason that my reaction is selfish. After all, that's all I've been doing lately, been focusing on myself.

So, that meant that today was my last session with Kendra before she no longer works at my gym. She's gone and I'm sad. Another situation where it's good that a sweat so much, it hides those tears ;)

Finally snapped a photo of the wonderful lady. #sweatyselfie with the wonderful lady that's been my anchor, my accountability person for the past 4 months! I'm going to miss her terribly.



I don't know who my next trainer will be, someone Kendra has recommended take me on, but who can tell what that will mean. Got to start again, maybe it'll be good to be accountable to someone new. I'm just scared, I got comfortable with working out with Kendra, I felt safe. Getting someone new, is scary. Crossing my fingers and praying that it works out.

I still plan on pestering Kendra and sending her updates. She's not getting away from me that easy ;) Sucks to be her! I'm going to annoy the crap out of her - nobody makes friends with me and just disappears... Right? Right...

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This week is the week i've been lovingly referring to as "The week of Hell" because there's so much adulting been going on this week that it's hellish. I'm a keen observer of the avoidance maneuver and to do so much adulting in one week makes me anxious to the max. However I'm happy to report that I've survived:

Monday - Major Photoshoot at work and Doctor's appointment after work.
Tuesday - Major Photoshoot at work round2 and hour long training with Kendra.
Wednesday - Dentist Appointment 2 with Root Canal.
Thursday - Last training session with the best Trainer in the world! :(

I survived...

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Other Highlights... My Brother-In-Law Scott had his birthday and we got to celebrate at Boondocks with him and his friends. It was a lot of fun! What a great Guy, I'm so glad he's part of my family and that he loves my sister Autumn so much. What a blessing.

Snapped a pic of my sisters during all the fun.



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Catch-Up on #sweatyselfies:

Yes I did really well these past two weeks with working out, unfortunate that my weight loss has flatlined... but still it's an accomplishment all the same right?









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This weekend is the 4th, I'm mentally making a goal to eat no surgery treats... I've got to step up my game! hit the ground running with this new trainer.... whoever they are. Also have a family reunion, that should be fun. There's going to be swimming, so it'll be my first time back in my new swimsuit since Disney World. Should be good. And life goes on... And I've got to keep moving. Got to make myself and Kendra Proud; can't give myself a reason to quit. Just got to make things happen. Do my best and forget the rest.

Rock Climbing is in a month! Ahhhh! only one month left to train for it.
Two months to the Color Run.
Three months till Rock Climbing Round2.

Day#118: Dad Day & Tooth Decay

Today is Father's day... about two years ago my Grandma Boekweg, (my mother's mother) gave me something super special. A book filled with pictures of me growing up. In this book there's a picture that I adore because it shows me and my dad together.



I'm not sure what the event was or exactly how old I was; I think perhaps 4... But it's of me and him smiling and I couldn't love it more!

What a blessings father's are! I didn't really get much time with my father here on earth, but I can tell you i've been very very blessed because of him. I'm grateful for my daddy, I miss him and it sure felt like the cruelest thing to happen to a kid, to loose their dad. It sure has made me resent the father's day holiday for a very long time now. Ironically it takes loosing my mom to realize how selfish i've been. My mother was every bit a father to me as she was mom. It's terrible that she had to take on both roles, but she did. I love my mom and am forever grateful for her and her amazing perseverance.

For me, Father's day is a second day to remember my mom and how amazing she was; no offense dad ;) Funny note, Look how much my brother Taylor looks like my dad! CRAZY!



Happy Father's day to my brother Taylor! Who's adorable boys make me feel genuinely like the luckiest aunt in the world! Yay for family, Yay for fathers.

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So Yeah it's been a while since posting, nearly two weeks. My bad. It's been a crazy couple weeks. Last week I broke my tooth eating gluten free pretzels. (shakes fist) "Curse you Pretzel scum!" totally freaked me out. Which prompted my first trip to the dentist in an embarrassing 10 years. (bows head ashamed)

I went in on Wednesday last week with the worst anxiety ever. I don't like dentist, don't like the smell of dentist offices... don't like the idea of drills in my teeth! The whole thing is yucky times a million. But being an adult, I had to.... adulting sucks!

So, xRays taken, I'm in better shape than you could expect after 10 years, but sill in pretty bad shape. Dang it! Got a root canal that very day on the broken tooth. Yikes!!!

It went surprisingly well considering how badly I was expecting/anticipating it would be. It was uncomfortable but I think i was lucky, the recovery time has been quick.

Post root canal pic:



(sorry, no gross tooth close up pictures... I know you're really disappointed) proud moment though... I even exercised the day after my root canal! Sported my new "Color Run" tee shirt! Woot!

Before & After!



I'm going to own these next goals of mine, I've officially made plans/set dates. I'm going rock climbing with my co-worker and my sister Melisa on July 30th! and again on September 24th. It's going to be crazy, rock climbing is something I never could do or even really tried because of my weight. I'm going to do it! I'm going to rock it!

#sweatyselfie catchups for the past couple weeks. opps!





This isn't a sweatyselfie but got to share on a day that I felt cute! <3



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Yesterday I got to go see Finding Dory, oh my gosh it's so good.



I was crying almost instantly, what a good story... I cry at movies, that's what I do, I've come to accept it as just who I am! I loved this movie and it totally rocks. Better than I could have hoped. I recommend you all go see it. And it you love Dory as much as me... bring some tissues ;) don't worry you won't be alone, the theater was full of adults crying. 13 years is a long time to wait for a sequel. #worthit

Anyways... tomorrow is a new week, a new day, and my brother-in-law Scott's Birthday. Should be awesome! "Just Keep Swimming, Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.... what do we do? Swim, Swim!"

Day#107: #sweatyselfie the revolution

Today was a pretty good day, and it only got better... getting into the swing of things every day holds new challenges. Yesterday's post has exploded! It's my most read post on my blog second highest read is my very first post Day#1 way back in February. It feels monumental to me and I'm overwhelmed, completely stunned by the support and love! I know I say that a ton; But that's only because it's so true!

If I could give you each a hug I would! '(Virtual Hug)'

To top it off, I got back from working out today and the first thing I saw on Facebook was my super awesome coworker Anna's post. Check it!





Hopefully she doesn't mind me snapping this screen shot. Guys, sweatyselfie is a thing. It's officially more than just me! Haha! What a great way to end my day! Thanks Anna!

Speaking of #sweatyselfie here's mine for the day!



Guys! I'd love to see your #sweatyselfies! Feel free to share and post them. I would love to see and support all you amazing peeps! We can all do hard things one day at a time, one sweaty work out at a time!

Lol, I should make Shirts! Oh that's a fun idea!?!? Happy Wednesday everyone, good luck with all you do!

Day#106: 30 LBS GONE!

Holla!!! I'm really excited. Today I went to my training with Kendra, and it was weigh in time for my goal. Refresher, That goal was to loose a half an inch in my arms and to loose a half an inch in the waist.

So, I didn't quite hit that goal; but I don't think i'll count it as a failure because things still moved... Here's where things stacked up!

Arms: Lost .25'' (Half of my goal, and Arms are really hard to get!)
Waist: Lost 1'' (Yeah baby!)
Hips: Lost 1.5'' (WHAT?!?! No wonder my pants have been sliding right off my nonexistent butt!)
Thighs: No change (I blame the fact I'm not walking 14+ miles a day like in WDW lol)

But the real Kicker is this awesome milestone... Here's a reel of my candid reaction ;)



I've lost 30 lbs! I couldn't be more psyched. This is like misplacing a limb or a small child! HAHA!

#sweatyselfie



That feels so good, Considering how bummed I was with myself all through May this just proves that doing anything, even if it's just a little can really add up. Not every day a success but overall I'm rocking this thing! I seriously got a bit teary on the scale and for the right reasons!

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I remember when I decided to do this thing, The real deep down reason that I wanted to do this, was to just feel better. Not just physically but mentally, to just really feel better about myself all over. I'm doing things that I never thought I was capable of doing! HA! :) We can all do hard things, and it only takes the small and simple things. I've never lost this much weight before. I need to just remember this feeling every time I get discouraged. Because I'm flying people (you'd fly too if you lost a whole limb, just saying ;) )

After we did the weigh-in and measuring we did a fitness test. Last time we did one of those was a month a go to the day; right before I went on my WDW Vacation. So today we tested me to see where I've come to.

Here's how I did:

Plank: Moved from a 45 second plank from my knees to a 30 second plank from my toes. (This is hard. I'm still not happy with where I'm at with these but that's okay, I'm getting there. It's good to look back and see where I was and see how far I've come.

PushUps: Moved from 15 pushups from my knees to 2 from my toes. Yeah... sissy knee Pushups are still my go to here. I can't quite seem to hold my own weight and bend my elbows at the same time. go figure. Kendra keeps pushing me, Golly she's a tease. I really apprecaiate that lady!

Sit-To-Stand: Went from being able to do 24 in a minute to being able to do 28 in a minute. This is one that is about speed, I can do more than that, but just not in a minute! Yeish!

We added some other exercises to the fit test...

Assisted Pull-Ups: (I could Cry!) Today though I couldn't go wrong, anything is more than last time, because last time was zero! Today I did 8 before I couldn't anymore. I think I could have done more, but apparently you're supposed to breath as you do these... who knew!?! Kendra apparently.

Balance: This test had me bend over while balancing on one foot, to touch the floor with one hand and keep my toe pointed, then bring it back to standing without falling or stumbling. Yeah, frankly, I don't have great balance. Only got 5 in a minute on one leg, and then 6 in a minute on the other! We'll can only get better from here!

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Thanks again to everyone who's been supporting me, by wishing me luck, telling me that I look good (BLUSH) or just reading my blog (I wasn't really sure who would read it or want to) so it's been encouraging to hear that I can brighten your day or inspire or give you a laugh.

I love this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing itself is changed, but that our power to do is increased.”

I can definitely see how my ability to hard things has increased. I have a long way to go yet but today I celebrate how far I've come.

Day#105: Sick and Working Out Anyway

This past Friday I went to my friend Cambry's wedding. She is quite adorable. I brought the book and it looked good. Despite the fact that things ended up being not quite as good as I'd would have liked it to have been. (Guess that's just how things go with me being a perfectionist!)

Helped my sister Melisa at the Cake Bar, serving cake and just being awesome ;)



Snapped a couple pictures in my motorcycle dress, felt cute that day!



Unfortunately that night I came down with some kind of stomach flu. YUCK! Had a fever of 101.8 and felt miserable over the weekend. This morning I was pretty much cuffed to the porcelain throne so that wouldn't slide at work; so I didn't go in and told a couple of my coworkers to pass on the word.

Finally around 4:00 I was feeling good enough to finally eat something, so I had a salad with tuna on it. Didn't finish it but at least this meal kept itself inside me! Yay! So... debating on if I should even attempt to workout today. It was 8:00 and I decided that what the heck I'd give it a go. I was feeling better and if I started to feel like I couldn't do it, I'd let myself off the hook.

So off the gym I went. Go me! Started strength training, and who should bounce over, Kendra! Gave me a high-five. She said that she practically lived at the gym today. Whenever I've gone to the gym this late I've never seen Kendra there, so it was a surprise, one that I wasn't expecting. At least she knows I'm working out on other days than training days right? lol.

It was tough getting myself motivated, It was more of a muscle-through-it kind of day but you know what? Not every day is going to be rainbows and unicorns, muscling through it is perfectly alright! I'll take it! :)

#sweatyselfie



It's nearly time to go back to my doctor again, yay (shakes head sadly...) not exactly looking forward to that. Being an adult and figuring out my stuff is no fun. I don't like adulating very much. Well I'll see how that goes down. I hope to rub my weight loss in my doctors face, particularly since she was so unsupportive last time I saw her. Yeahhhhhh... something that childish proves that I'm not really an adult... Anyone got a good doctor that I can see that's closer to me in North Salt Lake. I need to start looking. Mostly because I feel like I need a doctor who's going to be in my corner more. Right?

Tomorrow is a new day! Onward and all that jazz!

Day#101: Group Work Out

Hey all, I've officially hurdled the 100 days of this fitness journey, even with last month being a rough one, I'm off to a good start for June! Yay. I love that I can always start again. What a blessing that if a day sucks, I can pick myself up the next day and start over. Sometimes it's hard to remember that in the moment of weakness.

Color Run, only 79 days away people!

So got a text from Kendra today; (which I had off from work... That was a lucky stroke, I had to finish my sign in book so it gave me the hours I needed in order to not pull a all nighter. #blessings) In the message from Kendra she asked me if I'd be willing to be part of a work out group today. This would mean that we'd get a whole hour instead of the half an hour session for the same price we normally pay. I wasn't super jazzed about it, but I agreed anyway.

So Got to the gym just a tad late and jumped into this group madness. There were two other ladies in the group, I was relieved to see that they were both about as heavy as me, albeit they seem to be a bit further along in their strength training. It's hard not to compare yourself to someone else when working out in a group like that. I admit it readily. I was discouraged... I felt like the other two ladies were way stronger and had more endurance than I do at this point.

I don't think that I like group work outs... they make me feel frustrated and I push myself way harder than I think I should... pretty sure I twisted my ankle. I don't know how to really feel about it... Apparently the Gym is pressing their trainers to do more group work out sessions. I got really territorial of my work outs. I don't want to be lost in a group, to not have the one on one that I really feel like I need to keep me motivated and accountable.

I told Kendra that I'd basically be okay with doing a group work out every so often but not every day because I need that one on one. Hopefully she can make sure that's what happens. I don't have anything against these other ladies I just worry that it'll be a reason for me to not want to work out; I don't need any more of those - Lets be honest here!

We'll see how that unfolds.

Kendra took us through three sets during the work out, we did planks, squats, pushups, TRX, balance and lunges. Then in the last set, she had us do the assisted pull up machine. (can I tell you, my heart dropped, it dropped further when she said that she wanted each set (we'd do two) we needed to get 10-12 reps. Guys I nearly cried there in front of the other ladies in the group. I've only just started this machine, and it's really really hard for me.

Last time I did the assisted pull up machine I could only do 4 reps in a set... Today I did 10 in my first set and 5 in the second. How can I feel like such a failure when that's more than dubbed what I got just two days ago? How can I feel like I let myself and Kendra down? SIGH!!!! Once again, I'm really good about self-hating myself over something that I shouldn't. I recognize it as what it is. I know it's silly to feel that way. I just have to try, that's all I can do. Right? (wheeps silently).

FYI: when you sweat like me during a work out, your tears blend right in... BONUS! :(

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#sweatyselfie

(Yesterday)

(Today)

"I'm a little stronger each day, even if it doesn't happen as fast as I wish it could."

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Update in my freelance project for my friend Cambry: It looks awesome. ALL DONE! Check it!

So I did this really cool technique, this thin paper with a raised texture was added after the pink layer. it takes extra long because you have to glue it down just right, tapping it with a slightly glue coated brush. The pink underneath comes through and looks like a really cool lace effect. The raised texture is super yummy! Love it.

You can see where I put in spacers between the later pages so that they can be used for scrap booking without the causing the pages to bow or budge when the images are added. (that's the hope anyway)

Glad to have the project done. It turned out super cute. Yay! Love a good hands on crafty project. Reminds me how much I enjoy seeing what I can do with my hands. Physically building a book from scratch is super rewarding.