Day#33: Re-Missing

It's Easter Day.

33 Days Down, 25 Till Disney World.

Hey Everyone. It's rest day, no work out today. It is Easter though however. The day that we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. I'm so grateful for the Gospel and for the sacrifice that Christ made for me so that I can return to the presence of God.

I did find myself missing my mom a ton today. Thinking about what I said to her the last time I saw her, how she was so understanding of my insignificant issues at the time, how she loved me... If god cares about me in even the smallest amount the way that a parent cares it's indescribable. I don't remember if I told her that I loved her. I hope that I did.

It still feels like my mom died yesterday; but it'll be a year and a half next week. I really miss her. I miss feeling that unconditional love; getting advice and support. Even helping her figure out how use computer programs. It feels like my heart won't ever heal. That's what's so great about Easter though I guess... Jesus overcame death. We can to. My mom can. I miss her.

The christmas after my mom passed away I made a special picture and gave it to my siblings. A picture of my mom and dad finally reunited in heaven. I thought I'd share it now to others.



During the Funeral my sister Melisa shared a poem that I wrote about repentance and read it. I thought it fitting, since I'm sharing to also share that too. Caution, it's a long one.

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Looking At Me (A Poem):

There once was a girl, I'd stare at quite oft,
Up on a pedestal, I'd hold her aloft.

She was beautiful and pure, a bright gleaming beam,
It was her I wished to be, of she I would dream.

Her way of being, was true to the end,
Her glory and kindness, was all she would spend.

And Oh how I longed, to be as perfect as she,
Clean and devote, as things ought to be.

To the world she ner linger, or payed any mind,
For she was close to god, so wonderfully kind.

In contrast to her, I felt myself plain,
For self loathing and pity I did never refrain.

A sinner so sad, no quality I perceived,
In this who I was, I often did greave.

Swallowed up in sadness, often did I cry.
Erecting huge walls, to myself I did lie.

Unworthy of love, that's how I felt,
Shunning my loved ones, in pity I dwelt.

I appeared to the world, not as I seemed,
For an imposter I was, to deceive was the scheme.

I put on a face, a mask I did wear,
Between me and Satan, we made quite the pair.

I'd go about doing, just everything I should,
A pretender in this, every action of good.

Would it matter to anyone if I played the part?
My acting quite good, I sure had the part.

Yet in my red herring, my tricks to deceive,
I knew what was right, given many reprieve.

I knew it was wrong, and my reflection did show,
Someone not like me, my uneasiness grows.

Only one person, did ever I know
Who saw that one girl, the one with the glow.

He stands above me, he smiles at me too,
As if to beg me, just to pull through.

It's hard to see that girl now, as I put on my show
As the walls that I've built, continue to grow.

He's still as a statue, a sentinel stands,
Still reaches for me, extending his hands.

Upon them scars shimmer, the tissue now healed,
The fate of the world, with them he once sealed.

Still I now wonder, how can he want me,
A sinner so filthy, destined forever to be.

I look at him standing with arms out for me,
Surely he's tired, of waiting for me.

In shame did I know, he'd wait till the end,
Twas up to me, my freedom depends.

It's just that in making, my facade, that strong wall,
A pit now below me, I helplessly fall.

I dug it myself, in choices I made,
If only the dirt I could reverse from the spade.

I guess it takes falling, falling so low,
To get to that place, none else dare to go.

That helps you to see, your only escape,
Is taking the gift, which for you he did make.

Realization dawned, there on my face,
Looking down in my hole, his eyes full of grace.

He smiles, and reaches down for my hand,
No matter how far, he forever there stands.

I know it deep down, that girl that I knew,
that girl I once saw, all sparkly and true.

That there was a chance now, the simplest way,
That with his help, I could become her today.

My breathing - it catches, deep down in my chest,
I realize she's me, without this dark mess.

The walls of this pit, of my own construction,
Built by my hand, with dread of distraction.

She was always me, and I always her,
The difference was him, a change he did stir.

His love and his wisdom, as he looks at me there,
In all my sin and agony, it's he who repairs.

But now in my pit, of loneliness and hate,
I fear the hour's past, my sin now too great.

As I watch in amazement, his starts to climb in,
my pit of confusion, the den of my sin.

He's glorious and pure, and he's smiling at me,
Despite my time here, now dirty as can be.

He holds out his hand, I look on in awe,
He's perfect and whole, his glory I saw.

I pause now amazed, my hand stretches out,
His love and kindness, of this there's no doubt.

How could I have known, just how It felt,
but his love banished fear, put it high on a shelf.

He lifts me with ease, and holds me up high,
My pit now below me, above it the sky.

I climb out now free, and I turn just to stare.
He's taken my hole, my sin, my despair.

He's down in my pit now, feeling it all.
Taking upon him, the order not small.

I can't believe he's there, when it's me who did fall.
It's true what they say; he descended below all.

Now clean and free, my soul now quite mended,
I stare now uplifted, this cage now ascended.

I can't thank him enough, his grace it did save.
As I know he's done more, other holes, other graves.

No more are we bound, ourselves to these things,
Because he did come, our freedom now sings.

His scars in his hands, proof of his love,
My freedom contingent, in grace like a dove.

I'm forever indebted to him, evermore,
My savior, my brother, he's reset the score.

Now clean and uncombered by sin, due to him,
My soul now rejoicing in praising, in hymn.

Now is the task, to live as I should,
No longer in sin, but in acts that are good.

Repentance is there, every time that I fall,
Taking his hand isn't hard, not at all!

Now that I'm free, it's easy to see,
That girl I once watched, that girl now is me.


- Elyse Todd

All rights reserved, Elyse Todd 2014